eyes open

been too long.

2011-09-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

the blog thing isn't really working right now for me, apparently. time rolls on, and i don't update. some photos have been taken, and i gaze at them on the computer, but i haven't really shared. been thinking about how to move forward with this. wondering about tumblr. don't really know how it works yet, but that would probably come with just trying it out more.

for now, i will show you this one. it is from jules' cabin- this is her childhood treehouse. how spectacular is this? it brought to mind things my mom has told me about her treehouse that she built when she was young. what freedom that must have been to be in a space all your own- up in the trees!

...until next time.

little things are big things

2011-07-30T22:57:00.001-07:00

the point up close.

2011-07-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

in PR for the weekend. family weddings. lots of people. now everyone's left, and i'm here with my solitude tonight. took the camera down to the point- time to look closer at this place in front of me.

beautiful long evening and low light.

"The patient experience/POD3/Tylenol 3 blues/sore belly"

2011-06-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

i was going to work more on this... but i think i will just post it, and leave it to rest here on this page. there is more to write, less to include, but let this be a document from a moment of reflection.

The patient experience/pod3/Tylenol 3 blues/sore belly:

I’m sitting on my own couch after being in the safety and solace of my parents’ home for the past 3 nights since my “laprascopic excision of endometriosis”. It must have been the cumulative effect of T3’s, but when I arrived back home, mom left, and suddenly I was crying my eyes out for no particular reason. It wasn’t surgical pain, it wasn’t fear- it is post op day 3 and the codeine is getting to me. A sense of loneliness and isolation came over me, and I didn’t know what to do. The boy didn’t know what to say over the phone, even though I know he’s trying his best, and mom wasn’t answering her cell… Finally after the wave passed over, with the help of a shower and reassuring words from the mother, I settled into bed for a sleep that would hopefully wash this sudden sense of misery all away.

I’ve been anticipating this surgery for a few months now, and before that, wondering what step to take since the stabbing pains still visited me although the Mirena IUD was in situ and working wonderfully. As the date drew closer, I became more and more interested in the patient experience I was about to embark on. I deal with post op surgical patients every day, and although I’ve only been working for less than a year, I sometimes find myself desensitized to their experience. Is it a self-preservation thing, a time thing, or a culture thing? So from the moment I put the hospital gown on, and gave up my clothing to a white “belongings” bag, I knew this would be one of those experiences that I am going to hold with me with every nurse-patient interaction I have from now on. It seems small. A tiny little day surgery. But any journey through the system is significant- especially for those of us that deal with “the other side” daily.

The iv went in smoothly, the fluids were a relief after being NPO for almost 12 hours at this point. I had a headache- which I attribute to the low amounts of sodium in the past 24 hours. And the fact that I had an intensive "bowel prep" for the whole previous day. In sum: electrolytes were a bit off!

Finally it’s time to walk into the OR. I climb up on the bed, lift my arm so the nurse can put little heart probes on their specific spots, and take a blood pressure and other vitals. Then there is a face mask that is over my face and I’m asked to take deep breaths. They said it was oxygen- really? It’s all a blur at this point, as then the anesthetist said that I had received the medicine that would make me sleep and that it might make me cough- if I cough it’s about 20 seconds til I’m asleep. I’m not coughing. He says, or you might just go to sleep. I’m awake and i look at the clock- 1.40pm. then the room is sucked away from me and I fall deep into a drug induced sleep.

The next thing I know I’m in recovery and another nurse is waking me up telling me to breathe deep and get my lungs going. She explains how my surgery went, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. I don’t want to wake up. It feels so good. I’m so sleepy. Then I start shivering and my teeth are chattering. I ask for a warm blanket. And then another since I can’t remember if I already asked for one or not. The nurse just chats and chats, I try to contribute to the conversation, but my words are jumbled. I’m trying to doze, but she just keeps talking to her colleague! Then she says I’ve been here almost an hour and it’s time to go to day care. She has given me some delightful fentanyl and some oxy and my pain is limited. I’m wheeled into the next room and introduced to the new nursing staff as “another nursing sister”, which makes me smile. Then my mom is there, and I’m getting ginger ale and it tastes so good. Another 30 minutes are spent here, reading about my surgery, me getting to be more awake, mom texting dad and the boy, and then I get the feeling that they want me out of there. So I tenderly put my clothes on, trying to stand and lift one leg then the other. It goes ok. But as we walk out, I realize that I can’t walk and that there is a porter with a wheelchair who is there just for us. I gratefully sit down in the chair and am wheeled out into the sunshine. Dad arrives after a while. We’ve been talking to the porter about the jazz fest, and give him a brochure and point out good shows. To remember this sounds ridiculous right now. My mind was such a fog I don’t even know what exactly I was promoting.

Get in the car, shuttled home and then off to bed for a little while… what a delightful snooze I have! That night I eat congee, the boy comes over with flowers and coconut bars, and I am in a stupor.

The next couple of days are pain meds, sleep, eating soft food, feeling full, feeling hungry, no poop, reading book, watching movies. The pain is different than I anticipated. It isn’t crampy like I thought. It is very surgical. The incisions hurt the most the first day, then it felt like I did a thousand sit ups and my abdominal muscles had been moved apart and jostled around. The gas in my abdomen from the surgery moved up to my shoulder that first night, and below my diaphragm. That sensation has subsided, luckily.

POD4

The lasting sensations of this surgery are different than I anticipated. I have this lightheadedness and a sense of confusion that I thought was from the lack of food I’ve had over the past number of days… Then I start to think about how the very core of my being was opened up (albeit through a tiny hole), looked at with a camera and bits of it were sliced off. No wonder my equilibrium is still off. Give the body credit for the probing it endured. I have this pass for the jazz festival, and one part of me wants to push myself and head out to see some shows, but then the thought of walking more than 3 blocks at this point makes me lightheaded and weary, so I think I’ll listen to my body, breathe into my body and let the balance re enter. Gently. Be gentle.

Even though my head is foggy, and I am GRATEFUL that I have another whole week off- (I can’t imagine returning to work with a clear mind at this point), I have a little bit of perspective on the surgical and patient experience. It’s hard to fully express how this will affect my nursing practice, but I knew it would, and it will.

2011-06-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

weekend on the coast

2011-06-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

a few weekends ago, we drove up the coast to powell... spending the weekend reading, lounging, walking, eating, laughing, sleeping... all good things. not many photos were taken, but p&c started a good little bonfire in the pit, and we gathered round the warmth as the darkness came... i didn't want to leave that morning we packed up, reminding me that i need to make the trip more often. too much time had passed. i'll be back soon, point.

here we are mid-may.

2011-05-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

for fear of this turning into a food blog, i better post something other than the delightful treats i've been enjoying... not to say they aren't great- but life isn't only about food, and neither is this blog.

i came back from a truly lovely long weekend in nelson visiting the clan, and now am in the midst of a week of nights, then off to powell tomorrow afternoon. the apartment was a pile of laundry and dishes, which i finally sorted out yesterday, so now i can ponder a post and put up a photo or two.

the flight to castlegar was pretty wonderful. i love the lines and the contrast between dark and light with the melting snow, big clouds, and dark trees.

then there is Baby I. at 3 months now. she's filled with mystery. i catch glimpses of her character as her gaze holds intense on her mama, sisters, or papa. she's a photogenic little thing.

and C was working intently on her skipping, trying to get as many jumps in with one turn of the rope as possible....

so much activity went on this weekend, i could go on about it, but this gives a taste. so good to be in the zone with those wonderful people i call my surrogate family....

whites.

2011-04-25T12:47:00.001-07:00

i get a certain satisfaction out of folded laundry.

sometimes it's all about the small stuff.

chicken noodle soup for this cold.

2011-04-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

since i have a bit of a theme going here with the food in bowls, i might as well continue with this delicious chicken noodle soup i made last night to heal my head cold. this was also the first time i've made noodles, so it was pretty exciting. the night before i had made some pork dumplings, and i had some dough for them left over. perfect. pretty good for the first try! even though it's spring time and it's time to open the windows, look to the horizon, look up, look down, i am still looking at closeness, the particulars. these simple perfect moments in amidst the chaos of the out of home life are fascinating me. it brings some calm and some focus to the day.

dinner in a bowl.

2011-04-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

my solo week night dinners usually involve greens of some kind combined with various other delights in the beautiful gailan bowl i received for christmas...

everything tastes better when it's in this vessel.

in a calamity jane moment last week, however, i hit the measuring cup against it in the sink, and chip when the pottery, and down the drain the piece fell.

i guess this is what happens when beautiful objects are used in every day life.

here are a couple of meals i've enjoyed in the past week.

notice one before the chip incident, one after.

alela diane + wild divine

2011-04-07T22:50:00.001-07:00

salif!

2011-04-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

the crowd called out "salif! salif!" when the mali musician left the stage.... amazing energy, the crowd was ecstatic, the show was long and full. such power was in that room, and at the centre of it was this talented musician who seemed to glow from deep within. people getting up on stage, shaking their fantastic booties feeling the groove. in the crowd- hands up!!!!

good day

2011-03-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

a good day at the hospital really redeems this whole nursing thing. i left the place on time, not totally exhausted, and having had a few laughs through out the day. the best part was the evening light as i walked out of the place, the light on the downtown buildings, and the blue in the sky. even as i walked into my place, i kept my blinds open a little bit longer just so i could see the night sky arrive.

morning coffee

2011-03-22T12:26:00.001-07:00

first of three days off. starting this morning off with a good coffee and noticing the buds on the trees out my window...

low light.

2011-03-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

leaving the walls of the hospital after a hustler of a shift, and taking that first breath of fresh evening, now spring time, air. purple hue in the sky, seagulls soaring. mountain tops kissed with snow and pinky light shining to the tip just for a moment before the sun dips below the horizon. then zipping through downtown via taxi (takes too long on a sunday night for transit!) and the streets are lined with white. blossoms. so many. walking up the path to my apartment. daffodils greet me, shining buddha with spring scarf raises a hand... i'm home. time for some curry, internet tv, water and more water, and then bed. it's all ok.

afternoon apartment

2011-03-18T16:22:00.001-07:00

recently on my days off i've been particularly interested in listening to new music and looking closely at my surroundings. especially green tea and afternoon shadows. the lengthening day means the light spills in to my apartment at the perfect time in the afternoon and i lap it up. the space looks different, more awake but also more mysterious.

welcome baby ivy!

2011-03-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

the newest baby has arrived! little ivy from one of my favourite families arrived on valentine's day. i got to meet her this afternoon. she has such familiarity and truly looks like an old soul. what a little angel. those big eyes intently taking the world in... welcome, baby i!

here is a photo i took exactly one month before she arrived. we all thought she was coming any day at that point! she had other plans....

long winter shadows...

2011-02-02T11:10:00.001-08:00

in the depths of winter now.... i can see the light coming. the days are getting longer. already into february, and my self reflection and photo sharing has gone by the wayside. the balance between work and life is a hard one to strike, but at least i can try to get some more posts up here. that's the intention. here's to photos and beauty and love and sharing.

Joan is looking for The Magic

2010-12-13T11:55:00.001-08:00

birthdays

2010-11-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

another turn of the year gone by.... a little bit older each time... i have memories of this particular birthday when i was 4... i got a keyboard and we ate chocolate cake. this year was so special, as well- it always is. thank you my loved ones, you make this girl feel mighty good.

short reprieve.

2010-11-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

i'm checking in with the blogs that i like to look at, and everyone seems to be on a bit of a hiatus from updates... me included. now that things are settling a little bit, i am going to put the intention of having more of a presence on here. enjoying my new camera, picked it up after a few weeks with it tucked away and i'm impressed with the feel, the images, the quality- so i'll share.

up in PR for a few days, taking a short reprieve from the busy-ness of the city life. adjusting to this working life, and the commute, and the hours. it's an interesting experience of commuting to work via downtown- new for me. when i worked up here, i had this serene quiet drive to do, and when i was in nelson, i had this short chilly walk with a beautiful view and children everywhere. this city commute is a very urban experience. the same sounds every day, some of the same riders, and the dark morning and night sky.

taking breaths in this cold cold PR air. there is a thin blanket of snow, it crunching under my feet. the drive up was perfect. took it slow, new mix cd by the wonderful R as company....

and the friends are having babies...

2010-10-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

another baby is born! beautiful baby boy leo born to K&M on 20/10/2010!

these photos are from our visit to the quiet new baby home at hour 53...

i am overcome with a pure sense of awe and wonder at the human capacity

every time i gaze at a little tiny human.

the mystery, biology, love, perfection. there's a wise-ness of the world that these small ones show us on their sleeping faces.

moments of great insight, knowledge, and complexity are glimpsed in this quiet contentment.

nature is ancient.

welcome into the circle of trust little leo. it's gonna be good.

pumpkin pie

2010-10-08T14:51:00.001-07:00

got the beast....

cooked it up.

next step is mash it up,

then add some sweet things,

eggs,

cream,

and put it in a pastry.

project: give thanks.

no camera tonight.

2010-09-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

had my camera packed to bring over to j's birthday party. full moon. first day of autumn. beautiful evening. riding over the georgia viaduct, full moon is rising over the middle of it, pink, yellow, perfect... realize i don't got the camera with me.... forgot it on the bed. damn. then every thing i look at it so picture perfect and i'm without the tool. eyes are open soaking it in, none the less.

this is where i live.

2010-09-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

out my door and steps away. on the seawall. fresh sea air, green trees, deep breaths.

for as long as i can recall, my parents have told me about the long walks along the seawall, with me as a wee babe in the pram. cold winter days, blustery wind, warm sheepskin keeping the chill out... and then the time when at 4 months old i touched the dirt with my small feet for the very first time. again, on the seawall, with salt sea air, pram nearby... these stories (and a sort of visceral sense of having been here before) come forth each time i walk along this seaside path. deep breaths, feeling blessed.

a room of one's own...

2010-09-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

settling in to a new space with new light, new floors, new smells, new feels.

it's good.

there's room for quiet, or cooking, or stretching, or sleeping, or eating, or...

it's feeling very good.

family holidaze.

2010-08-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

long and lazy hot afternoon on the beach with a brew and the baby...

family timez are good timez.

thank you for your love.

2010-08-15T22:34:00.001-07:00

beautiful baby.

2010-08-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

tara's new beautiful boy baby. welcome home, little one.

focus

2010-08-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

partly because i am not sure what direction this blog is going in, and partly because i am exploring this new amazing camera, i am going to focus on posting a photo every couple of days instead of dwelling on composing profound posts that go nowhere.... i'm having fun exploring depth of field, perspective, colour, shadow, composition, and sometimes even movement.... for now.

2010-08-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

...been way too long.

2010-07-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

weeks go by without so much as a murmur on this thing.... the summer sun and easy days are the norm for now, sticking close to the home base- except for one exceptional trip to Golden for C&J's wedding adventure.... pure beauty. for now here's a taste....

fun & games

2010-06-09T18:30:00.001-07:00

a night of celebrating our bride to be.

walking up the drive dressed in yellow

beautiful bride to be.

mayhem in the girl's bathroom @ the biltmore.

A is a beauty- even in a banana suit.

10 hours in Seattle.

2010-05-14T14:07:00.001-07:00

a day trip south of the border with my dearests S & D.

highlights include:

visiting the public library- especially the red floor & the low doors in the bathroom stalls

experiencing total vertigo on the top floor of the library
wine and snacks @ le pichet
admiring the brick buildings
getting overwhelmed in outlet malls
just walkin' around the city & soaking it all up.

gastronomic moments.

2010-05-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

in the past couple of weeks there have been some delightful meals... nothing like the weather getting warmer to jump start a little culinary creativity.

baking bread last week and suddenly the loaf gave birth to a bun! big bags of flour from the mill in chilliwack await my baking creations... then there are the colours of a fish taco night in the evening light. and mother's day celebrated with the arrival of spot prawns!

truly delightful!!!

back in this city...

2010-05-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

getting reoriented to this place. this home. this skyline. it's feeling good to breathe the coastal air. thoughts on what is next are constantly rolling through my head... trying to give myself some breathing room, change the nagging voice to an inspired voice... it's possible.

moving back in to the particulars of asana practice, guided by the details of my teacher's words... there's a sense of looking inwards, reaching upwards, while simultaneously staying close ...

took some photos on a short walk through the neighbourhood, marvelling in this special spring evening light...

bye bye nelson!

2010-05-01T11:17:00.001-07:00

kootenay in spring time.

wonderful family waving bye-bye as we pulled away from their sweet abode.

the hospital with some greenery.

walking to last night shift.

soon so-long.

2010-04-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

my time in nelson is coming to a close... 2 more shifts- tonight and tomorrow, and nursing school will be complete. can't even express how wonderful it's been to be welcomed so fully, so warmly into this home, with this family. hours with the girls, play time, reading time, snack time... and this place is getting warm. suddenly it's green. there are leaves budding on the trees, the mornings are milder, and the birds are chirpier. it's bittersweet to say so-long to a place such as this!

crocheting...

2010-04-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

got the hook in hand, the soft bamboo/wool blend between my fingers, and the intention of making a wee hat for baby cousin Y... look down and i see i'm wearing all blue, the yarn is blue, i'm in a sea of blue...

easter bun bun.

2010-04-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

this weekend was full of chocolate, eggs, and other such easter delights! so much anticipation waiting for the easter bunny- is he coming sunday or monday- gotta check on the easter bunny website! monday it is! i get home from the hospital by 0730 monday morning and the hunt is complete, chocolate eating has begun, and pancakes are on the griddle!

2010-03-31T00:29:00.001-07:00

Joan as Police Woman EPK
Uploaded by piasrecordings. - Explore more music videos.

war is not healthy...

2010-03-28T23:48:00.001-07:00

war is not healthy

for children

and

other living things.

KLH

2010-03-20T23:26:00.000-07:00

on my walkings to and fro the hospital.

this is kootenay lake hospital.

this is near the street i live on.

this is me after my 2nd night shift.

weekend wandering.

2010-03-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

nelson time.

2010-03-12T15:16:00.000-08:00

some of my surroundings in this lovely home...

special lunch in front of video with kid friends!

drawing by big girl from a couple years back...

sunny mornings when i have to sleep all day, but can't complain as now the sun has disappeared and it's drizzling and cold...

beautiful stove that is easy to obsessively shine.

first self portrait in the front hall...

soft landing.

2010-03-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

arrived in nelson via car on march 4th with papa at wheel. smooth ride, sunshine spilling, sky bright, air fresh. landed softly on the doorstep of my dear surrogate family. having this time to settle in before they return from a trip to california. for the best- as this way i can get all my stuff tucked away before being discovered that i truly am moving in for 2 months! tomorrow morning is day 1 at the hospital. feelings of anticipation, nervousness, excitement, & fatigue, all come and go. but i’ll go with the flow, find a rhythm, and most importantly try to soak it up and take it in. these times of change are filled with learning, and questions and hopes and fears. that’s the way it’s supposed to be… feeling it. breathing it. being it.

international women's day.

2010-03-08T11:11:00.001-08:00

2010-02-19T09:18:00.001-08:00

i went down to the river...

2010-02-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

walking along the fraser river. i have a little space to take walks in the morning, or the afternoon. a little space to think. a little space to breathe. a little space to see. it's february. there is that smell of the wet marshy flats, combined with the cool scent of the river, & jets flying by, tugs tugging.

a gramma & granddaughter playing in gumboots with the waves made by the tugs. giggles and snacks and a stuffed bear on the blanket, waiting.

so many happy dogs, frolicking in the sand, in and out of the water, barking, owners calling to no response. friendly "hellos" to those walking by. a sense of lightness and expansion that comes with taking the time to walk down by the river.

v day

2010-02-14T16:20:00.000-08:00

another heart.

lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove.

heart.

full heart bright heart

2010-02-08T21:27:00.001-08:00

i came across this page in our message notebook that sits by the telephone. it's the week of celebrating love! there's something about valentines day. i've finally accepted that it is my favourite holiday of the year.

i have a sweet memory of going downtown with c & her mama to the war protest back in 2002. dressed in pink, c wearing heart wings, determined to spread love yo. making a huge painted heart for the front door of my house, scrawling more love under it. and every year pulling out the same yellowed and crinkled paper with that shining heart. and i have high hopes, every year of making sweet little heart cookies with pink and red and white icing and offering them to those i hold dearest.

another year, in mexico city with z, meandering the streets on february 14th, heart candies and balloons for sale, covering every inch of the sidewalk. el dia del amor y la amistad- and that's what made sense to me. it's all about love for each and celebrating this bounty with one another and feeling it all. all these memories are flooding back. there's so many more, all so filled with goodness and red foil wrapped chocolate!

happy day of love and friendship...

enjoying the sounds of ane brun.

2010-02-01T21:28:00.001-08:00

been listening a lot to ane brun in the past couple of months... that trembling voice, absolutely splendid lyrics. it's no wonder that one of her albums was produced by the same fellow that did both björk & coco rosie records (who just happen to be two of my faves)... one of those cds that's on repeat in my blaster, and now it's spanning changing of the seasons. it's a keeper.

remember art?

2010-01-31T15:01:00.001-08:00

trying to work on an essay on epidurals in labour... then remember that kiki smith is going to have some art in the new show at the VAG's visceral bodies which starts february 6th.

then i remember there is this fantastic website about her MOMA show prints, books & things a few years back... it's still up and working and worth a gander.

homebaking: pugliese

2010-01-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

the physicality of baking bread. yeast, water, flour, salt, time, strength, a hot oven. my new favourite recipe from homebaking. it's pure goodness and homemade. i'll say it again: the whole process from start to finish brings me into this moment.

two weeks since the turn of the year.

2010-01-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

2009 ended and 2010 began on an island on the west coast. hornby island.

a's little cabin. perched on a bluff above the stormy winter seas.

friends gathered.

we danced the new year into existence. then we danced some more. we also ate soup. really good stuff. there was also a swim in the cold waters of january 01, 2010.

what a glorious excursion.

new baby.

2010-01-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

... on new years eve morning i was on the ferry en route to a hornby island adventure. my phone buzzed and i answered a call from mom saying: the baby has been born! a baby boy for uncle m & aunt y! the boat was quiet that morning, people dozing, reading, sipping hot drinks. i let out a shriek of excitement and happiness and suddenly the whole ferry boat knew about my new baby cousin!

... 3 days later i am in the car driving to whistler with auntie k. time to meet the babe. when i first lay eyes on him i am astounded by his smallness. this little being travelled into the world after living 38 weeks in his special cozy dark home... and now he's here to be with us! it's mind blowing. mama so strong and ready for this and so proud of this baby. dad in a state of euphoric love.

... now i am home after spending a very special 24 hours with the new little family unit. lots of cuddle time, lots of sleeping time for the little one, and lots of me just gazing at the little one on my arms. congratulations on the arrival of the new babe! XXX

(trying out the baby slings! looking good...)

a christmas melange.

2009-12-27T17:10:00.001-08:00

beck is one cool guy. mix mix. check check.

No. 16: Hot Sun Of A Christmas Day by planned_obsolescence

dark nights.

2009-12-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

the longest night of the year arrives tomorrow. these short days, long nights. so much darkness. so much going in. haven't been able to fully experience it. the daily grind of this and that distracts from the moment- from the quietness of the night- the warmth of the fire. more intention to be in this dark time, with more awareness and gratitude for the darkness surrounding and the light that's coming...

december rolls in.

2009-12-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

the weeks are sliding by without a word on here. term is wrapping up, it's time for serious-head-down-work and then another term will be complete.

stepped out of one reality and into another this week. visited baby r. reminded me of the simplicity and immediateness that comes when being around a small one. everything is in the moment. it's a good place to be. wondering what he sees through those big blue eyes, what he hears through those soft little ears, and what he thinks in his perfect head...

and then there was a bus trip back into the city. although computer was on my lap, chipping away at a paper, i was able to get back into that supreme zone of blurry landscape, bouncing light. one of my favourite things, gazing out the window, things out of focus, yet so clear...

so now, nose to grindstone for just a wee bit longer.

JAPW

2009-11-14T23:03:00.001-08:00

start of my heart.

one of my fave videos, and a beautiful song that takes me on a road, every time.

props to joan as police woman.

open heart.

2009-11-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

peering into the inside of someone's heart will forever be an image etched into the fabric of my brain. an experience so intimate, yet so depersonalized, so complex.

last week, i was looking into someone's living body- then i stepped back for a moment to contextualize the situation- i attempted to make that connection between the head of the patient with eyes closed under the sterile drape and the chest cavity open and the heart beating. this is something that isn't seen by many people. it's one of those experiences that is a sort of rite of passage, in the same way that seeing a baby being born for the first time leaves you changed forever. standing in surgery, listening to the surgeon's discuss their plan, watching them sew their delicate seams, all of it so visceral, and so profound. i'm left with a sense of pure awe, amazement and wonder- the resilience of this human body.

h1n1

2009-10-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

it got me. the h1n1 influenza knocked on my door and waltzed right in without asking. it made me feel like i'd run a marathon- legs aching, back aching, head pounding, heart pounding. confirmation with a 38.1 degree fever. didn't even have time to get the damn vaccine.

daily, i read the newspaper. new pandemic headlines- "why panic is not the answer," "provinces scramble to fight flu's second wave," "flu-shot clinics struggle to keep up with demand," etc etc.

there is something odd, and perfect, about sitting on the couch with the flu whilst reading about the pandemic sweeping the nation. at least i know it's not all about me.

we're on day 4 here, the h1n1, and i have to say we are a bit more amicable with one another, since we've had so much Q time on the couch. i want to ask, "when are you leaving me? i've had enough. i've got halloween to enjoy, school to work on, clinical to pass. so why you staying past your welcome?" it doesn't say much to me. it watches battlestar gallactica over my shoulder, observes my mindless browsing of facebook and other such internet sites, all while perching comfortably at the edge of the sofa sipping orange juice.

i'm trying to be patient here, trying to ride through this, but moments of frustration can overcome, so now i am making granola.

golden again.

2009-10-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

fall leaves, fall trees, trees' leaves' falling in the breeze.

this autumn light and autumn air, there's something about this time of year.

shoot photo.

2009-10-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

been thinking a lot about photos. wanting to shoot, snap, take- whatever the verb is. wondering about using the flash, how can i make that work? not sure at this point- only more experimenting. but then what about the hölga? what about the pinhole? so much to explore. get the camera in hand and then wonder - what is there to photograph? keep it at my side and then moments are revealed. thoughts. thinking. wondering. seeing.

project: give thanks

2009-10-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

a delightful and delicious feast with good friends on the weekend of giving thanks. everything went off without a hitch, turkey sitting proud for all to see.

a beautiful banner made by the wonderful sarah van s. and friends together again to nosh and laugh and drink and play! what a night!

the night concluded with a glow stick dance party,

music pumping, bellies full, but busting a move nonetheless. absolutely thank-full for all this bounty, all this love, and all these shining people...

back to the city.

2009-10-06T18:29:00.001-07:00

a few photos from the drive back down the coast.

news has arrived.

2009-10-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

a baby boy has been born to dearest angela and greg on october 2nd. one week this summer, angela and rach came up to the coast and we embarked on a tweed ocean adventure. what resulted was the baby's new sea themed mobile. each creature has it's own personality. happy birthday baby roan!

seasons change.

2009-10-06T17:43:00.001-07:00

almost 2 months slide by before i get another post on the blog. what a time of transition the fall always is. finishing working in PR, leaving the point, back to school, new things going on... settling into the cooler weather and busy days that mark the beginning of school again. now it is countdown. only 7 months to go, and how can it be?

there is so many things that i want to mention, and photos i want to post, and where to begin again?

as my time at the hospital came to a close, i started thinking about the drive that has been the routine, the ritual, the rhythm of my summer. i snapped a couple of my favourite moments on the drive, and here they are to rest on this page. that time in the early morning, or the early evening was a time of quiet, of reflection, and of motion. driving along the roads that i got to know so well, i had time to listen to music to end my day or start it, and on those mornings after night shift, i had to pump the beats to delay sleep for just a few more minutes til i could slide into bed.

reflecting on that time, now, in october, i can begin to fully appreciate those quiet mornings and slow evenings, in between the busy-ness of the hospital, and beauty of being nestled in the forest with the ocean all around me.

morning road.

2009-08-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

i took this video some months back... morning drive to the ferry on the coast....

but only now, in the solitude of this place, have i gotten around to editing...

music is a short song by andrew bird.

baby eagle.

2009-08-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

almost flying. perching on a limb. the wind a blowing.

delight.

2009-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

a couple of great women came up to see me.

truly delightful.

we did some cooking.

'zza on the grill.

2009-08-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

my new favourite thing to make on a summer evening is bar-be-que pizza! it is the best thing since sliced bread- i would argue even BETTER than toast.

roll your dough out nice and thin, and heat up the BBQ to quite hot. then grease the grill. next gently toss the slab of dough onto the grill... turn down the BBQ so it doesn't char the pizza. grill for about 3-4 minutes, until it has nice grill marks on it when checking underneath. next, oil the top of the dough with a brush, then using 2 flippers FLIP it! then quickly add your toppings to the already grilled side- you want toppings that are light and don't need cooking. here, i used thinly sliced tomatoes and chevre, to good effect. when you see nice grill marks on the bottom take that baby off, and you are ready to cut into squares and mange mange!

i was thinking that some caramelized onions or some other delightful pre-cooked topping would work really well. for the dough, i used the ReBar recipe for focaccia and cut it into 3 pieces.

...on a hot afternoon.

2009-07-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

it's hot. it's july. i need some shade... i find myself sitting in the darkened hallway peering through albums of photographs.

family relics.

these ones i found to be especially intriguing. it's hard for me to describe what i love about photographs, but i think that these speak for themselves. i took my own photographs of them, with hopes that when they are in the open for us to see, we can think and remember and imagine and believe. it's also a clear reminder that this place i am in holds history. the ancestors are all around me. this bay is our house of spirits.

hot days.

2009-07-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

the moon is orange and hanging low in the sky, about to dip below the horizon. hot days. smokin' days. splashing in ocean, so warm, i was barely refreshed. like a tide pool. dove down deep to feel the cold water on my hot face. paints are out. music is on. breeze rustling in the trees, salt sea air coming in through the window.

days off. day three of five. getting settled into this summer routine. 12 hour days, then 12 hour nights, then a reprieve. much needed. feels good. valuable learning. feeling fortunate to have these opportunities... time to slide into bed, with new fan to keep me cool.

buh-bye city, hello coastal.

2009-07-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

jazz fest come and gone... folk fest is this weekend. i have left the city. in the quiet of the point, on the coast, in the trees. swimming in the ocean. tide in and out. close encounter with an otter. salmon freshly caught by neighbours in the bay... potatoes from marcie's garden, chard, raspberries.... long evenings. quiet nights.

summer sights.

2009-07-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

a few photographs from the past month...

golden grass on the point.

long shadows on a wander one early july.

the sky opened.

pup in yard.

big billow...

2009-06-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

eyes to the sky,

watching the clouds fly by.

the tide is low.

2009-06-04T18:15:00.000-07:00

a couple of weeks back, the tide was at it's lowest of the season. the sky was blue. a sunday lay before us. pops and i made the trek and walked the sandy expanse.

garden growing.

2009-06-04T18:01:00.001-07:00

things are in fill swing here. most of these photographs are from a couple of weeks ago, and now things are bigger.... but we've hit a heat wave. it's hot. the garden is semi-liking it. the beets are drooping at the end of the day. the kale is too. give it a big drink at night and hope for the best.

longer light...

2009-05-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

these longer evenings, that deep light... friends on the porch, eating kebabs, chatting, soaking it all right up. spring nights like this- a taste of sweet summer. and oh, it is so damn good. then the rains come back, and we retreat inside to wait it out.

til we can do it all over again.

2009-04-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

a few photos from the train ride down to california... it was a beautiful slow and steady ride. scenery floating by, the greens and blues and greys and browns mixing together in a blur- in that train way.

soul still on tarmac?

2009-04-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

... i remember a scene in a william gibson book- pattern recognition. where the amazing main character ponders how when she flies across continents she always feels that upon arrival she is without her soul, and imagines it bobbing as a kind of shadow-blob on the tarmac at the airport she took off from... then it takes a while for the soul to catch up with the body. i feel something of the sort, even though it was a short seamless ride from LA to Seattle... but this rapid travel is so- rapid. one second i was in california. i closed my eyes and then suddenly awoke to "we are approaching our destination of seattle, please put your seat...." this is on the other spectrum from train travel. when you feel so ready for the arrival, have so much time to ponder the present, imagine the future, process the journey. fast forward to airplane, where i can barely get a grip on my thoughts, and then suddenly i am in weather that is 15 degrees colder than where i was 2.5 hours ago. how is this possible? then i board a bus that would carry me across the border and drop me at 41st and granville. that leg of the journey at least provided me with a few hours of thinking- that time i need for re-entry. now back in the city, it's still cold air- but spring is here. rhubarb is growing at a fast and furious rate, but that's about it. water the seeds, hopefully the sun will shine down and help them grow.

thrifting.

2009-04-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

moving through the racks of clothes at the goodwill, sally ann, boutique. a sea of colours and textures and cuts and styles. a gem here, a throw away there. another keeper. and another. a maybe- ok, yes, i'll take it. cashmere cardigan. lots of wool, in the heat. lots of linen. that's my kind of thing. want to just collect it all, and then share it back home. but it's a small backpack that i'm carrying, and only a bit will fit. new racks of clothes coming out every 15 minutes, announced over the loudspeaker. "and remember, all children's clothing is 99 cents this week. thank you for supporting the goodwill." what will i find tomorrow?

heat wave.

2009-04-20T16:47:00.000-07:00

...although this is probably normal for Santa Monica, i am experience a heat wave in my insides. it's incredible. this is going to keep me going til vancouver summer summer time. the air is hot, the sun is out, the sweat is dripping. AMAZING.

this morning, miche and i went for a scramble up the Santa Monica hills, and for some reason we thought that 11.00 am start was "early." not so. we were dripping with glorious salty sweat within minutes and frequently took breaks in the bits of shade to catch our breathe. conversation ceased. after a couple of lovely views of the beach and city, we decided to call it, and headed back down into the welcoming shade of some vast tree. ate yummy sandwiches and lay around for a couple of hours. that is what this trip has been all about. lying at the beach, lying in a park, lying in another park, lying on the couch. what a life!

we hopped into the hot hot car, with the steering wheel almost unbearable to touch, and hit the beach for a quick dunk in the ocean. salty sea on salty skin, bringing the body temperature back to bearable. beauty time.

i am back at the library, alas without camera, and who knows about adding pics from a public computer? it will have to wait until i return home later this week.

now, i am going to venture out into the heat to check out the wicked thrift stores and get a cool beverage, while miche is at work.

until later. xo

santa monica sunshine...

2009-04-18T10:47:00.001-07:00

sitting in the santa monica public library, frustrated that my mac mail isn't compatible with this version of the browser, and hoping that parents think to check this to see that i've written...
miche at work for an hour, me, a little time to wander and delight in this lovely public library. california is like what the mind's eye imagined. sunshine and vast flat beaches, flowers and succulents. yesterday was a day of cycling along the beach, with miche, venice beach. lying in the sand, the wind breezy blowy, some dude juggling 3 frisbees into the sky. the venice beach strip full of people and eats and plastic stuff. tall palm trees, gulls soaring, trying to grab people's lunches. out on the pier, fishermen with hopes of a catch, fishing rods lined up in little holders along the rail. miche and patrick (and elliott the cat's) home is lovely. bright and simple. that's all for now, pictures sometime soon. i'll remember to write about the train ride at some point soon. x.

heading for LA la land...

2009-04-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

the term has concluded. completed two-fifths. three more terms, then 100% nurse. to celebrate, to take a time out, to feel a bit of warmth, i am boarding the train and heading down to Santa Monica. looking forward to seascape, landscape, trainscape. check out what miche and trik have going on in SoCal.

until then...

although my neighbourhood doesn't quite look like this photograph, it wasn't long ago when there was white on the ground and early evenings. days are getting longer, ground is getting warmer.

winding road.

2009-03-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

nose in the books, but i'm dreaming of the open road.

Happy 100 years of International Women's Day!

2009-03-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

on this day, i nod to the women who came before me, and the women who are here, and the women to come.... in solidarity.

(The 1932 Soviet poster dedicated to the 8th of March holiday. The text reads: "8th of March is the day of the rebellion of the working women against the kitchen slavery" and "Down with the oppression and narrow-mindedness of the household work!".)

another reflection.

2009-03-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

taking reflection photographs on the ferry. i always try to take at least one. it's become a game, over the years. there was really bright light on this one and every window seemed extra reflect-y.

stumbled across...

2009-02-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

the point.

2009-02-20T20:33:00.000-08:00

frosty moss steaming in the crispy february morning.
eagles soaring,
ocean lapping.

wake up!

sea birds calling, planes flying.
ocean lapping.
mug steaming, lemon squeeze.
sky blue,
ocean lapping.

this place is bliss.
this place is full.
this place runs deep.

2009-02-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

and then there was bread.

2009-01-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

three days of flour and fermenting and water and salt. and rest and warmth and stirring then kneading. and reading and hoping and baking. portuguese mountain rye, a success. that smell! that taste! it's bread!

into the fog.

2009-01-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

the mist is heavy and thick. it surrounds and i enjoy a disorienting moment of solitude. then someone emerges, a car drives by and i remember it's still this place, but in close up. moving through the fog, a patch of sunshine, oh it feels so good!, then back into the damp... so much mystery, so sensory.

cast back.

2009-01-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

came across this photo in an album from last winter... a film photograph. thought back to winter time on the ferry, any time on the ferry. those are beautiful moments. the salt sea air. the white ship moving through the strait. time to look. time to be. and often a time to snap. countless photographs i have, of reflection in ferry window. it's a subject that i always come back to. the reflectivity of those windows, always conducive to an interesting frame. and the blue. always blueness. deep breath.

peering into the sunshine.

2009-01-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

january 2. feet crunching in this white stuff that is so unfamiliar to us... a rare day in amongst 3 weeks of grey snowy skies... a welcome break. an opportunity to bask in this beauty. henning standing on the edge. arm up, shielding eyes, squinting into the sun-basked, white-glistening expanse of trout lake... all this in the city.

2009-01-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

set out.

2008-12-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

"...taking photographs is a means of understanding which cannot be separated from other means of visual expression. It is a way of shouting, of freeing oneself, not of proving or asserting one's originality. It is a way of life" (Henri Cartier-Bresson, 1976).